BOOK

Parenting Based on A Book

Parents do not like to be told hold to teach and discipline their children, just like how most (arrogant) chefs do not like to be told how to cook.

 

I am a parent and I needed help in how to communicate (discipline) my child. Seriously during my parents generation they just discipline my siblings and I in a manner which they think is appropriate (or just for the sake of shutting us up) or in accordance to the method that their parents have inflicted upon them during their childhood.

 

As I am older now, I do think that my parents methods are flawed and leaves a lot of undesirable and unpleasant marks on me. One of it being most significant is that I find it hard to communicate my feelings as we are taught to repress our feelings and not to show them as it is a sign of weakness (so much bullshit here) and the most famous phrase of all 'Children are to be Seen and not Heard'. How wrong is that. Nevertheless I do understand what generation my parents came from and why they would have acted in the manner they did.

 

First of all I am from a typical 'Chinese family' - a father's job is to put food on the table and a mother's job is to make sure that the children are well managed (i.e. children should not utter a single sound/word when the father comes home from a hard day of labour or the children will get some heavy beating and be locked away). Secondly, my parents would have endured the same practices by their own parents (some crap practises to pass around huh). Thirdly, actually being typical 'Chinese' says it all.

 

I realise that at some point or another H & I may have used some of those practices on our children (ok I don't lock my children, I just asked him to stand in a corner). I felt SUPER guilty and I hated myself. Changes need to be made.

 

I did some research and I bough a few books to read about communication (well I do want to foster good relationship with my children so that they will not be 'emotionally' jaded when they grow older).

 

 

Book: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

 

Being a parent does not come with a manual as all children are different (that's what you think). Further there's never a manual in how to be a good mother too right. However at certain point in our lives we want to make things better for the ones we love so we make the effort and take the initiative to change. I hope my children will grow up to have emotionally stability and learn to never fear their feelings or worried about how they can talk to H and I (yup I have difficulty talking to my parents about the emotional stuffs because I really do think they do not know how to acknowledge my feelings, besides they like to side step the issue). Let's all be good parents to our children.

 

*Quick Review



 

The book is likable with real problems that parents can relate to, which I believe happen in all household. It offers several insight in how to handle the 'problematic' situations and it teaches parents to change their mind set in how to communicate and acknowledge their children feelings. I am only on the first chapter but so far so good. My real life example as below:

 

I bought a present for my son's friend and my son insist on opening the present. My son kept asking whether he could open the package even though it was not for him.

 

In normal situation all parents will just say NO. What an easy answer but it is wrong as all parents should also know that saying NO never works anyway so why bother saying it but if used correctly it can be very effective no doubt. The book teaches that in a situation when a child is not able to obtain what he/she wanted and what should be done instead. See below:

 

 

 

 

I tried it with my son by asking him to imagine that we are having the present in our hand. We start to tear off the wrapper and to our surprise we found a gift even better than what we thought was in the present. Guess what, he was a happy camper. He seemed satisfied with that and we went on to talk about other things after that. I was surprised and pleased. I know that there will be situations where it might not work but then again I am still on Chapter One. I am hopeful. My son was happy that I could relate to him.

 

I have also used another method as suggested in this book to acknowledge his feelings when he refused to do something asked him too. The best thing of all is that I prevented a melt down and the task was completed faster than how it normally would. It's all good.

 

Good luck to parenting!